SHE
by darstar
Summary: Tag to 11x5 "Once a Crook"; Tony has a talk with Gibbs regarding Ziva. My take on how I would have liked the men's room scene to be played out. Includes dialog from the episode. Spoilers for 11X5. One-shot. Shouldn't post so late at night, Too many boo-boos.


_**There have been several stories written after "Once a Crook", so I am adding to the pile. Mine is a bit different. I had intended to post this before it aired, but I didn't get it done in time. So I have added scenes from the episode and other places to flesh it out. **_

_**I think Gibbs has been acting way too unaffected by Ziva being gone and frankly it's pissing me off, and I love Gibbs! So it's pissing Tony off as well. Most of this is from the bathroom scene, and how I would have liked to see it play out.**_

_**By the way, it's nice to know that Tony is a nice goofy insomniac. When I am overtired, I am a real bitch…just saying.**_

_**Don't own anything, wish to hell I did. Spoilers for 11x5 .**_

SHE

Tony leaned over the sink, his face dripping. The cool water helped to settle his mind, but the effect wasn't as soothing as he had hoped. He had this niggling thought in the back of his mind for the past few weeks. He couldn't put his finger on it, what it was exactly that was bothering him so much; other than the obvious of'course.

That is until now. When Tony was so clearly falling apart at the seams; when he was obviously on the verge of a nervous breakdown; when his team mates had reached out and offered all sorts of way for him to get some sleep but not truly offering their _support_…it was then that he realized what was wrong, so terribly wrong.

Tony barely raised his head when Gibbs came into the men's room. He knew he would come; Tony knew him better than anyone, except perhaps Ducky. Or at least he thought he did. Now, Tony wasn't sure if he knew anyone any more.

Tony understood that he would have to start the conversation and it wouldn't be easy. He wiped at his face with the paper towel offered by Gibbs. "You think I feel guilty about Anton and let him get away don't you?"

Gibbs stood against the wall, immoveable, quiet, and observant. "I don't know, did you?"

Tony explained what had happened, how he had run after Anton, but in the end he couldn't pull the trigger. He made a joke about Gibbs probably shooting him in the ass.

Gibbs smiled slightly. "You followed your gut." He answered quietly.

Tony still hadn't looked at Gibbs. "Hasn't really been working out… so well for me…lately." Gibbs frowned slightly, not sure where Tony was going with this, and not sure he wanted him to go where he thought it might be heading.

Tony looked up at the ceiling. "Ah...I don't know… maybe its day number four without sleep but I can't rely on my instincts any longer." Tony looked troubled, not sure if he should steer the conversation where he felt it needed to go. Was this really the brightest thing to do when his brain was so fuzzy? When he wasn't sure he had the energy to see this through?

Tony took a deep breath, coming to a decision. He knew it could be a mistake to take on Gibbs, but he was tired. Bone tired, mind tired, heart tired.

"I was wrong to trust Anton; maybe I was wrong about a lot of people." Tony began hesitantly.

"Are we still talking about the case?" Gibbs didn't fail to take the bait, but Tony wasn't sure that he understood his meaning. Finally, gathering courage, he turned and faced his Boss.

"It's so interesting…no one will say her name, have you noticed?" Tony wanted to say _"you won't even say her name"_ but felt that would have been too confrontational. Gibbs just stared at him, his clear blue eyes looking closely at his face.

"It's like she's dead." Tony wipes an errant tear from his left eye. _Damn it! I can't afford to get emotional right now. I shouldn't have done this while I'm working on fumes!_ He thought to himself. He doesn't want to lose control.

Gibbs flinched slightly at that. "She's not dead, DiNozzo." He said, his tone even, his words measured. Tony didn't fail to notice that Gibbs said "She" and not "Ziva".

"Well you wouldn't know it. Gone and _forgotten_. Everyone has moved on. Well, almost everyone." Tony tried to keep the anger out of his voice. This was as much of a revelation for him as it is for Gibbs. Tony didn't realize how upset he had been with everyone for moving on with their merry lives until this moment, and he was working hard to maintain control.

"You need to move on, Tony." Tony stared at Gibbs, shocked that Gibbs would regale him with platitudes.

"Like you have? No thanks." Tony spits it out before he can stop the words from forming.

Gibbs took a step forward, his eyes flashing. "What's that supposed to mean, DiNozzo? _She_ made a decision, _she_ decided to move on. We need to respect that."

Tony glared back at his boss. "Is that the best you can do?" He finally asked; his exhaustion complete.

Gibbs looked startled. He stepped back and leaned against the wall. Tony was done with it all, with everyone. He was hurting. Didn't they understand? Forget about his _personal_ issues with Ziva leaving for the moment. They wouldn't clue into that anyway. If nothing else, didn't they realize he had lost his partner? Who cares whose decision it was? At the end of the day, all that mattered was that _she_ was no longer here, that _she_ no longer had his back.

"Eight years, Boss. Eight years. That's high school and college. Doesn't anyone get that? Ziva was a significant presence in all of our lives, and _she's_ gone and no one cares." Tony was breathing hard. He wanted to punch the wall, but he was afraid if he started to let his fists fly, he might land one of them in the vicinity of Gibbs' jaw.

"Of'course we care, but we have a job to do, in case you've forgotten. When the time is right, you'll get another partner…"

"_I DON'T WANT ANOTHER PARTNER!"_ Tony exploded. His face reddened and he stepped back, trying to cool down. He turned away, looking anywhere but at Gibbs. Gibbs raised his eyebrows, but didn't say anything. The man was maddening.

Tony turned back and took a deep breath. "Every time I look at her desk; every time I close my eyes….I just feel like I made a mistake, like I made…the wrong decision." He knows by saying these words, he is openly admitting to Gibbs his feelings for Ziva, if he hadn't already figured it out.

"You did what you thought you had to do, DiNozzo." Gibbs answers simply. It occurs to Tony that Gibbs may be thinking that Tony is saying his wrong decision was in trying to find Ziva in the first place, in trying to talk her into coming back to NCIS. And in a moment of clarity he realized that Gibbs may have also been thinking that when Tony said he was wrong about a lot of people, he had meant Ziva. Wrong to trust her, wrong to think _she_ would have his back, wrong to think _she_ would ever want to be with him…

Tony shook his head. He never told Gibbs what had happened in Israel, _or_ Berlin. He figured he was smart enough to realize why he did what he did. He didn't feel like painting a picture at the moment. But he knew in his heart that he was not wrong about Ziva or about his decision to go after her. No, the _people_ he had been referring to were the ones still at his side. They were the ones he had been wrong about, thinking that they would also be affected by Ziva not coming back. To him, it seemed that they weren't and it made him angry.

"You don't get it, do you?" He whispered.

"Oh, I get it, DiNozzo, but I don't think _you_ do." Gibbs cocked his head, clearly exasperated with Tony. "Did you hear what I said to you? _She's not dead_." Gibbs punctuated each word.

Tony looked at him blankly. Gibbs stepped closer to him. "As long as she's still alive, there's always hope Tony. You don't see it right now, but this is a gift. Ziva can always come back. Not everyone can."

Tony's eyes widen, mirroring the shock that coursed through his body like an electrical current. He understood at that moment that Gibbs did indeed get it. He would never have a chance to see Shannon again. But Tony could see Ziva again. Could, maybe possibly…

"You don't have to partner with whoever eventually gets hired, Tony. You can partner with McGee…or me." Gibbs looked closely at his Senior Field Agent, making sure he understood what he was saying.

Tony's shoulders slumped. He wanted to cry, because he was so tired, and he missed Ziva and _damn it_! This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.

Instead, he smiled softly, and let Gibbs lead him back to the case, back to NCIS life without Ziva, without _her_. At the end of the case, as Tony prepared to leave the conference room Anton said something to him that made him pause. "Just 'cause you want it doesn't mean it's gonna' happen."

Tony responded immediately and flippantly. "Tell me about." He had wanted Ziva to come home with him, he had wanted Ziva in his life and he had failed to make that happen. It didn't matter if the reasons were valid for her, Tony DiNozzo had failed.

But one thing he had realized over the past few days, between Ziva and Anton, was that at his core, Anthony DiNozzo, Jr. deeply cared about people, and never, _ever_ gave up of the people he felt a connection to and were worth fighting for.

He had a connection to Ziva David, former Mossad assassin, kick-ass Ninja, ex-NCIS Agent and the woman he desperately loved, and _she_ was definitely worth fighting for. He stopped and turned to Anton before he left the room, smiling. "It's funny: it never stops me from trying."

He headed back down to the bullpen, to his desk so he could finish his report. He brushed off McGee's attempt to include him with his dinner plans with Delilah.

"Hey, go home." Gibbs admonished him.

Tony yawned. "I will, Boss. I want to make sure Anton gets processed smoothly. Least I can do. Then it's off to bed, Scout's honor." Tony held up his fingers in the Scout salute.

He looked back down at his paperwork, not really seeing the words on the paper. Gibbs just shook his head and walked toward the elevator.

Alone in the bullpen, the lights lowered, Tony felt a sense of weightlessness. He was still not too happy with his colleagues, but he felt better about Gibbs. He yawned again, fighting to keep his eyes open. He knew sleep would come soon.

He glanced at the empty desk across from him and for the first time in weeks he smiled. It would always be "Ziva's desk". Tony stood and walked over, gently caressing the top cool metal, pulling out the chair.

Tony sat down carefully, almost feeling her warmth as if she had just vacated the chair. Gibbs was right. As long as Ziva was still breathing, there was hope and he was going to do everything he could to give her the time she needed, to have _her_ six. And then, when she was finally ready, he would be waiting at home for her, because, he always kept trying.

Tony leaned back, settling his hands on his stomach and closed his eyes, thinking of Ziva. Smiling softly, he began to snore…

_**Hoped you liked it. I don't think we'll get much more feels for Ziva from the show, as little as this one had; and when you know who shows up, well…**_


End file.
